Alright friends, it's the last week of my Ellora's Cave cover extravaganza and I've got some covers that are sure to burn themselves into your memory forever and ever. Be prepared. Before we start though I just want to say a quick thank you to Kelli Collins, Editor-in-Chief of Ellora's Cave Publishing, who was nice enough to leave a comment on last week's post expressing her amusement with regard to my little critiques, and I thoroughly appreciate her taking my humor in the spirit in which it's intended. Hope you all enjoy the finale!
First: LATHARIAN HEAT
The mind, it boggles. What is going on with this figure placement? She's decapitated him with her pleather-covered elbow and he seems to be downright pissed about it given the way he's clenching those fists. I'm all for the headless torso action on a cover–those naked, rippling chests are so very pretty to look at–but this takes it to a whole new level. A more disturbing level. I have stared and stared at this cover in an attempt to find some reason as to why this is happening, and I can honestly say I've come up with a big fat goose egg. So, of course, I had to look up the blurb on Goodreads to see if it could shed some light:
Oberon learns he will be teaching a new program that allows humans to be educated on alien culture by the aliens themselves. What he doesn't expect is Anjessica and the lusty power struggle they enter. His arousal for the human student drives him crazy, her passion pushing him to the edge of control. Anjessica is on a mission to save the most important person in her life and failure is not an option. Being educated by an alien on every sensual level is a distraction she doesn't need. But her passion for him puts everything she's trying to save on the line. If Anjessica isn't careful, her erotic connection with Oberon could cause her to lose everything.
Wow. That was no help at all was it? Nowhere in there does it mention that a monstrous, red-catsuit-wearing Anjessica will knock poor Oberon's head off with her mutant elbow. Odd. After reading this I'm actually fairly intrigued, I would definitely like to know how he is going to please her "on every sensual level" when he doesn't have a head. Well, doesn't have a head on his neck anyway, but I guess he could show her all kinds of things with his other one couldn't he? Except he appears to be a miniature alien given that she's supposed to be human, so I can't imagine the head he's left with will be all that satisfying if it's proportionate to what we see here. A shame, really.
I find myself completely befuddled by the limb proportions on this cover. Inflamed seems to be an apt title given her inexplicable and gargantuan left arm. Upon first seeing this cover I thought surely it was someone else's arm off cover shoving a finger in her mouth (ew), but I'm pretty sure it's hers. Then, in direct contrast to her left arm, her right arm is absurdly small and shrunken. Poor girl. If she was lost at sea with nothing but her arms as paddles, she'd just spin herself in continuous circles wouldn't she? Tragic.
I'm thinking it's a good thing she seems to be in possession of two naked cowboys, as her go-go-Gadget arm is much too enormous to embrace a single individual (did I just date myself with an Inspector Gadget reference? Yes? Damn). Maybe that's part of her appeal? She has magic overgrown fingers all the better to tease her lawless cowboys with? Absolutely spectacular.
Words fail me. This cover will haunt me for the rest of my days. Why is she winking at me like that? And why is she cocking that eyebrow at me while giving me the stare down with an unnatural blue eye? *shudders* Honestly, the more I look at her the more afraid I become. She's obviously got something sneaky going on in that noggin of hers, and she and the teddy bear are clearly in cahoots. She looks like she wants me to know that she knows that I know nothing. Mission accomplished. I know nothing but that this cover disturbs me on a multitude of levels.
Can we just look at her left arm for a minute? What is going on with people's left arms on these covers? They're just wrong. Wrong, I say! Hers is the manliest arm I've ever seen on a woman. The unfortunate shading makes it look like she's sprouted thick, dark hair, and she's got such bulbous fingers that my mind is having trouble reconciling the feminine black lace lingerie with her masculine appendages. I may never be the same after this.
Fourth: THE JOCK
Okay. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will in fact never be the same. I'm traumatized beyond any hope of recovery. My eyeballs have been branded with this image and I will never escape it however much I try. Because this has happened to me, I had to share it with all of you. You. Are. Welcome.
What, I ask you, is going on with his right pectoral? I've never seen one so grossly swollen in all my life. It's like a balloon ready to pop, and that nipple is aimed right at me as though it's targeting me for the explosion. Cue gag reflex.
I'm going to tell you a brief, but related, story to momentarily distract us all from the soul-scarring image above. My husband loves PlayStation. Loves it. One of his favorite games is Tiger Woods golf. For those of you who don't know, when you set up your player in this game, you can go through a ridiculous number of physical characteristics when building them–anything from hair color to skin blemishes to waist and breast size. My husband, being the champion husband that he is, thought it would be hilarious to make a caricature of me. He gave me the most absurd features, including a pair of boobs so enormous I would have toppled over if they were real. They were extra pointy and extended so far out from my body I couldn't possibly have swung a club without smacking them and sending them flying up into my face. Awesome.
This cover reminds me of that caricature in Tiger Woods golf. It's clearly a digital rendering, and I just have no idea how to handle it. I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or claw at my eyes in an attempt to erase it from memory. I fear nothing will help.
Have a great weekend everyone!